Uno degli eventi più stressanti che un individuo possa attraversare nel corso della vita è la separazione dal proprio coniuge/compagno, in particolare se di mezzo ci sono anche dei bambini. Esso è infatti un evento paragonabile ad un vero e proprio lutto in tutte le sue fasi, importanti da superare per poter riacquisire un equilibrio fondamentale per il proprio benessere e per quello dei propri figli. In particolare, la fase della rabbia rischia di essere quella più pericolosa se non viene elaborata. Capita spesso che i piccoli vengano usati come armi contro l’ex compagno, senza essere consapevoli che in questo modo i primi ad essere feriti sono proprio loro. Ma è possibile separarsi senza fare del male ai propri figli?
Innanzitutto è importante sottolineare che i bambini figli di coppie divorziate non sono in realtà più a rischio di bambini i cui genitori non hanno divorziato. La ricerca ci dice infatti che i bambini presentano un maggiore rischio di sviluppare difficoltà quando crescono in ambienti ad alta conflittualità e non in seguito alla sola separazione dei propri genitori.
Resta comunque il fatto che comunicare al proprio bimbo la notizia della separazione sia un qualcosa di molto difficile e di molto doloroso. Non esiste il momento giusto né le parole perfette per dare questa comunicazione, ma è importante non tardare troppo nell’affrontare il discorso. I bambini infatti sono molto bravi a cogliere le sfumature e con ogni probabilità (anche se voi siete certi che non sia così) avranno già carpito che qualcosa in casa non funziona. Non sapendo però darsi una spiegazione, è probabile che usino la loro fantasia e immaginino scenari ricchi di sensi di colpa e di impotenza. Pertanto è importante che mamma e papà trovino un momento tranquillo, in cui possano dare la comunicazione al loro piccolo e si rendano disponibili a rispondere alle sue domande e ad accogliere le sue emozioni. È molto probabile infatti che il bimbo non prenda bene la notizia ed esprima molta rabbia e tristezza. I genitori dovrebbero aiutare il piccolo a non reprimere quello che prova, ma ad esprimerlo e a gestirlo. All’interno di questo scenario, è possibile che anche i genitori fatichino a gestire le proprie di emozioni, ma questo non è per forza un male, anzi può essere un modo di mostrare al bambino come anche noi siamo sofferenti di fronte a questa scelta, ma che la si può affrontare e superare insieme.
Tutto ciò che avverrà dopo aver comunicato la notizia, sarà importante condividerlo col bambino, nei limiti di ciò che è la sua età e capacità di comprensione. In questo modo anche lui avrà modo di poter prevedere cosa gli riserverà il futuro e potrà quindi adattarsi con minori difficoltà ai cambiamenti che ci saranno, tra cui per esempio l’avere due case diverse.
Come si è già accennato, separarsi “bene” è un fattore fortemente protettivo per i figli, mentre la conflittualità familiare risulta un fattore dannoso per l’equilibrio emotivo dei figli. Ciò significa che è molto importante che i genitori si impegnino a mantenere stabile il coinvolgimento genitoriale e cerchino di mantenere un clima di rispetto reciproco, senza mettere in mezzo il bimbo nelle loro discussioni. Nei casi in cui questo non risulti possibile, può essere una buona idea rivolgersi ad un esperto che guidi il processo di mediazione e favorisca una migliore comunicazione tra i due ex coniugi.
Autore: Dott.ssa Giorgia Bosco
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